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about
i was sad yesterday. that kind of weird sadness where every attempt to rationalize your way out of it just seems sadder. like your eyes are made of sad and you have a Midas gaze that turns everything you see into more of the same sadness.
it wasn't one thing. maybe it was my new years resolution to delete twitter and finding myself doom scrolling my beautiful friends' beautiful lives on instagram instead. maybe it's the fear of trying to be in the world and be my best self. maybe it's living with my mom in the house where we watched my dad die of lung cancer in October.
whatever it was i realized i had to stop staring at the river and do something about it. and i remembered when CERB first hit two years ago (that was more money than i had ever made in my life) and i bought myself a jazzmaster that still hasn't made it on a record so here we go.
when i found God i made myself a promise that i wouldn't put out any more explicitly sad music because i think we're responsible for the energy we move through the world and i also think music is some weird magic mind control business and we gotta be careful with it because evil is real.
anyway im glad that for whatever reason, when i sat down to make myself feel better with music yesterday, a whole song came through me, and a fairly happy song at that. a song for an open, brighter future. this rarely happens and i hope we can celebrate it together.
lyrics
it’s new year again
it’s the same fear
still spinning round my head
am I evil?
am I loved?
is there anything above?
or is there only me myself and i down here?
it’s the same year again
there’s a new fear that’s spinning round instead
do I have the tunnel vision
to make it through the constellations
of being now
+ being here
it’s a new me this time
there’s a new you on my mind
if i’m still sober
in october
you can count on me this time
maybe there’s another future here