tbh
everything is falling apart.

september last year
i was living in a
tiny hellish apartment
we crammed with
too many desperate people

october
i lost
my job
&
my longest and closest friend

november
the tiny hellish apartment got robbed
while i slept on
jack’s old couch in my makeshift
bedroom/living room/kitchen/the only common space in the house/

gone; my macbook,
camera,
passport,
and all photos from high school and first couple years in the city.

darkest days of my life.
i made some music about it but mostly
just spent
money i didn’t have on
escaping each day.

“that metallic taste” is the only fully realized piece that came out of that time
made on my first computer
the start of the new sound
the first gu song ever made with someone else

i don’t remember december.

january
josh’s family in their infinite kindness
took me in. i had real shelter, and comfort
and stability.
started making more music.

walked onto a cruise ship for work in february
at the absolute limit of
my debit overdraft and credit card
couldn’t have gone
another two weeks

laid low on the seas.
best sleep in a while in those coffin-like bunks
internet was $0.25 a minute
i barely talked to the world while mhm i saw all of it
paid off the debt

i don’t remember
exactly when
i wrote the lyrics
to body
alone in the crew bar

july
i came back to
that tiny hellish apartment
little little bit of money. no job.
best summer of my life

august
i wrote morning
the night after.
i wrote lyrics
they were fucking terrible

i knew summer was over
the first and only time we were here
i wrote a poem that
became the lyrics for
paper thin, your skin

september i moved into humewood
with 5 close friends and fellow dropouts
never lived such a fulfilling creative life
my bedroom is still a common space
this time it’s a choice

i wrote and recorded evening
to impress you
too scared to show you something serious
i sang lyrics i thought would make you laugh
we heard it on your roof past sunset, you did

october
one year after the worst of my life
i wrote and recorded
the instrumental for
body

november
jack told me i had to release some music
i looked through the scattered fragments
of voice notes and half finished demos
this is what made it out


_
one year later it’s another winter
it’s never been harder to pay rent
breakfast should be oats & bananas
dinner is minute rice + dollarama corn & peas
always on a hustle

and so it goes
for everyone i know
i know
nobody
for who these are not trying times

things will get better
or
things will get worse
but things
will

_
i wake up every morning
and there’s another one
days too long
i feel shame in my dread
my despair brings me guilt

no stability
but complete freedom
i don’t know what of this
i chose
and what is independent of my agency

most intense 12 months of my life
now, here, later, after it all
i have a home
i am with family
this is a good life.

_
surrounding everything i see there’s a glow
suspending every moment as it unfolds
everything reminds me of home
and time is
just another thing i can’t hold



_
gear:
57
the world's worst M-Audio interface
rokits, goddamn rokits, oh how i hate these things
AKG K240


vintage kent archtop
vintage beltone bass
toy piano
korg sv-1 / lounge lizard
jason's drums
other drums